Bear Creek Newcomers Telephone Directory
by Isla O'Neill, 3.24am May 10th 2021
1) Please call 555-5555 for the pale Hollywood starlet who retired to Long Drive between twenty and two years ago, depending on when you last idly thought I wonder what happened to her. Her portrayal of The Ortolan Poacher was mirror-specific to my own experience as a connoisseur of rare and illegal meats.
2) Please call your childhood landline to speak to a wavering facsimile of someone you may have once been. We are not responsible for any inconsistency with your current, past, or future self-perception.
3) Please call the Bear Creek Petting Zoo on 0800-MANURE for any queries regarding the smell that hangs over the town on Wednesday afternoons, yet appears to have no discernible source. They are not responsible but will gladly commiserate.
4) Please call up any ancient gods of your choosing. Relevant ritual objects or chants may be borrowed on a strict fortnightly loan from Bear Creek Lending Library. However, please be aware that if you are interested in marsh or swamp gods, they have expressed distaste for the municipal sewer system.
5) Please call Bear Creek Elementary for the janitorial position. They promised it to you long ago.
6) Please call your future cellphone number for prophecies. Alternatively contact the County Haruspice - please provide your own chicken, Buff Orpingtons preferred.
7) Please call 999 for pool sterilisation. We wouldn’t want you getting any nasty bugs! Note that if you are sanguine or melancholic, you will certainly be choleric by the end of swimming season.
8) Please call 000 to travel through time. It’s always Tuesday in Australia, and the paramedics will be kind and understanding.
9) Please call. We miss you. Your aunt is asking after you. We have made so many excuses.
10) Please call.