BREAKING - Chris Pratt
by Anon, 3.49am March 10th 2022

BREAKING NEWS:

Chris Pratt makes no money and has no benefits at a job where people want to kill him. He talks to them through bullet proof glass and everyone hates him.

Chris Pratt drives a junky car.

Chris Pratt gets followed by secret shoppers whenever he goes grocery shopping even though he never steals anything.

Chris Pratt buys burritos he thinks are different from other burritos. Burritos that say “Real Chicken” and “Real Cheese” and “Real Rice” but when he gets home and heats them up in the microwave Chris Pratt discovers the burritos are full of the same brown goop as all the other burritos no matter what.

Chris Pratt is gonna visit his 60-year-old mother who has Alzheimer’s at the nursing home and watch tv with her and hold her while she cries. Nobody knows why his mom keeps crying. Not even her. They pump her full of meds but she keeps crying no matter what. The home has threatened to discharge Chris Pratt’s mom if she won’t stop crying.

Chris Pratt cleans up after his alcoholic dad.

Chris Pratt gets drunk

Chris Pratt gets ghosted by girls

Chris Pratt cannot find another job no matter how hard he tries.

Chris Pratt ponders different ways to kill himself while applying for jobs he knows he won’t get.

Chris Pratt is made fun of by people who are supposed to love him

Chris Pratt provides weekly reports to his Vocational rehabilitation counselor

Chris Pratt disappoints his Vocational Rehabilitation Counselor.

Chris Pratt’s mom got discharged from the nursing home a couple days before Christmas

Chris Pratt thinks about buying a beta fish. He walks up to the beta fish endcap. Chris Pratt finds the biggest baddest beta fish and put his face right up against the glass to make direct eye contact with the beta fish and whispers: “This time its personal” as a tear rolls down his cheek.

Chris Pratt is gonna walk down the street on his lunch break and not care if he gets shot and killed.

Chris Pratt might just rip your fucking jawbone off if you look at him the wrong way.

Chris Pratt dreams about seeing Blue Jays in trees. Chris Pratt talks to the Blue Jays and they are talk back and he doesn’t know what they say.

Chris Pratt wakes up with nightmares about the time he saw a guy get beat to death over a $7 gambling debt.

Chris Pratt hates you.

Chris Pratt is going to try and comfort a crying four-year-old child while the child’s mom gets arrested. Chris Pratt going to fist bump the kid and watch YouTube videos on his phone. Chris Pratt tells the kid everything is okay even though it isn’t. Even though that is not his job. Even though it has nothing to do with Chris Pratt.

EPILOUGE:

Keanu Reeves will float down from the gas giants in outer space where he lives with the hot space alien angels.

Radiating light will encircle Keanu Reeves as he descends upon us and the unworthiness we all carry inside ourselves.

Keanu Reeves will roundhouse kick Chris Pratt in the head so hard his head will be torn off at the shoulders and fly through the air at impossible speed, hitting an open dumpster lid. Chris Pratt’s severed head will fall into the dumpster with a thud, the blood spattered dumpster lid slamming closed with satisfaction. Balance will be restored to the horrible universe.