Dear Abigatha

by Michael James, 3.24am May 10th 2021

Dear Abigatha,
I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, and lately he’s seemed distant. Distracted. Can you suggest anything to bring the banana, so to speak, back into our relationship?


Thirsty in Bear Creek.


**


Dear Thirsty,
What your husband values is forgiveness. We all value that. The ability to peer within your heart and find a shred of humanity. Of basic human decency. The ability to let go of past wrongs and let people out. So put down the pen and throw open the doors of mercy. Does that sound good?


**


Dear Abigatha,
I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, and lately he’s seemed distant. Distracted. Can you suggest anything to bring the zucchini, so to speak, back into our relationship?


Thirsty in Bear Creek.


**


Thirsty,
Please let me go. I’m sorry about your husband. We both know that there was no possible way for me to predict what would happen. Roses, strawberries, and bubble baths usually lead to intimacy, not time portals. It’s not too late. I’ll tell them you treated me well. I’ll tell them whatever you want. Just let me go. I miss my kids. No. Don’t pick up the pen. Don’t—


**


Dear Abigatha,
I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, and lately he’s seemed distant. Distracted. Can you suggest anything to bring the carrot, so to speak, back into our relationship?


Thirsty in Bear Creek.


**


Thirsty,
I can give you money. What about that? I have a savings account, a retirement fund, it’s all yours. Four hundred thousand, easy. I’ll sell my house. I can get you a million. Please, I need to get out of here. This is a nightmare. I can hear them in the walls. Did you put them there? Oh god not the p—


**


Dear Abigatha,
I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, and lately he’s seemed distant. Distracted. Can you suggest anything to bring the cucumber, so to speak, back into our relationship?


Thirsty in Bear Creek.


**


How much of this do you even remember? You’re using different words, it implies the loop changes. Why can’t you remember it, but I can? Please don’t do this. It’s the same every time. I can’t change what happened. The way we end, every night. It’s agony. And the walls. Are they getting closer? Every time, it’s the pen, the pen, the pen. I dream of the pen now. I dr—


**


Dear Abigatha,
I’ve been with my husband for 25 years, and lately he’s seemed distant. Distracted. Can you suggest anything to bring the eggplant, so to speak, back into our relationship?


Thirsty in Bear Creek.


**


I think I’ve learned how to die. I think this is the last loop. The last time with the pen, the walls touched me. They’d never done that before. They touched me and I saw time. I can end it, now. I am in eternity. 


I am haunted. 
I am cursed. 
I am ruined.


**


Dear Abigatha,
Did you think I didn’t know why he was acting distant? I knew. Oh, I fucking knew. Bear Creek isn’t that big a town, Abi, and people talk. They talk and they laugh. I always thought an eternity in hell would be too good for you, but this is the best I could do to create eternity.


Satisfied in Bear Creek.