Digging Your First Grave: Here Is What You Need to Know
by Rob White, 3:49am July 10th 2022

You didn’t set out to dig a grave today. Rarely do any of us. Hey, no judgement here friendo, in fact, welcome to the gravedigger’s club, you look like you’ll fit in here nicely. I’m not going to ask too many questions, frankly the less I know the better. So let’s get right into it.

Webster’s dictionary defines a grave as a deep-ass hole that’s horny for a dead person, probably. I’m no egghead, I’m a man with grave digging advice and here is the first tip: Preparation. This isn’t a movie or some awesome prestige drama. You don’t just pull up to a potential gravesite, grab a shovel out of the back, cut to commercial and 2 minutes later have yourself a nicely dug grave. This is back-breaking labour. I cannot stress this enough. Digging a giant ass hole in the ground sucks ass and it takes for-fucking-ever. Though, lucky for you, it’s not all doom and gloom. This is where being a psychopath can really come in handy. If you plan your grave digging far enough in advance you can tailor your workouts to target the necessary muscle groups to help achieve maximum grave diggingness.

This simple change, along with a shift in diet and sleep schedule, will give you the best head start you could ask for. If you feel tired, take a break. Stay hydrated. Your adrenaline will probably be running wild by this point but that’s no excuse to forget the three P’s of grave digging: Protein, protein, and protein. Bring a snack. If packing ahead, take into account that you might not be that into eating meat at this particular moment in time. A summery mix of quinoa, black bean, and hardboiled egg makes for a great energy booster that will give you some time to be totally present and mindful of the situation you find yourself in. You are putting in a lot of hard work, take some time to appreciate yourself for it with some yummy nourishment.

Do yourself a favour and take a look in your shed, or wherever you keep your grave digging tools, and ask yourself, “Would I dig a grave with any of this arcane equipment?” Remember, it’s important to be honest with yourself at this stage. Yes, the idea of digging a grave with your grandpa’s tools is very romantic, but what are you going to do when you hit a layer of bedrock and that 100-year-old shovelhead snaps off? Is grandpa going to help you out then? No, he’s laying peacefully in his own grave that was dug out with proper tools. Yes, I’m sure he dug some fine holes with that shovel, but leave it at home. Shovel tech has grown in leaps and bounds in the last few years alone. A titanium-tipped earth buster will make short work of any clay or silt and could be the difference between taking a terrible secret with you to the grave or spending the next 20 years wishing you’d dropped 60 dollars at your local hardware store.

Location, location, location. What is true in real estate remains true when digging a grave. For us type As, we can anticipate problems by conducting some research beforehand. Let me tell you, digging graves before the invention of Google Street View? Nightmarish. Someone has already done all this research for you, it’s out there waiting to be found. Every scenario is different, but some facts are universal: Forests, remote property developments, dirt cellars. It’s not rocket science after all. Here is a curveball idea: Dig a grave in a cemetery. Who is going to look for a body in there? And if some employee happens to come across the remains there is a good chance the whole thing will be caulked up to administrative confusion on their part and everyone will simply move on to save face.

Last, but not least, let’s talk about the dreaded “D” word: Depth. Imagine the embarrassment you’ll feel when your fellow inmates find out you dug a shallow grave. You could develop an unflattering reputation and the last thing you want to be known for in jail is being lazy. I get it, sometimes you don’t have the time. Sometimes you don’t have the tools. Sometimes you don’t have the patience. But a grave could always be deeper. If you take the time to drive 3 hours into a forest just for you to kick a few leaves onto a corpse, you better take a long look at yourself in the mirror because a few leaves does not a gravedigger make. I actually HOPE you get caught. I HOPE you feel those looks you are getting in the prison yard, and I hope they are from people who dug proper graves.

I have given you the knowledge. The preparation. The protein. The equipment. The depth. It’s up to you now. Life is a grave, dig it!