Foist Dies at 40
by Ting Indistinguishable, 3.49am March 10th 2022

Reuters – Dr. Reginald Foist, the only year-round celebrity resident of Bear Creek, died last night of his latest discovery. There are no remains. Per Dr. Foist’s request, the memorial is to be held tonight, everywhere. Dr. Foist was forty years old.

Dr. Foist, a respected physicist, formerly of Cornell University, moved to Bear Creek in 2010. For the past year, he had been at work on a “unified theory of nothing.” At 7:06pm Mountain, he texted his wife and three local colleagues, requesting their immediate presence at his lab on Debardelaben Ave. South. At 11:59:59:∞ Omega, he vanished. According to his own calculations, he no longer exists. It is unclear now if he ever did.

Six years ago, Dr. Foist’s global notoriety arose from the sports phenomenon which bears his name.

“I don’t understand,” he told Reuters in 2015. “Sports began as combat training. Where’d all the fucking balls come from? Why don’t they just shit in their hand and throw it?”

The genius of the idea, something he disclaimed to the end, is credited with ending all -isms in the athletic realm.

Says Indigo Fuentes, the Argentinian-born professional ping pong line judge, “Not all change means good. Need somebody heet eet [sic] with something, at least. Racquets or something.”

Following the release of foisting and subsequent professional league development, waves of reformers have assaulted the sport. “There must be some rules,” read the graffiti outside Pfizer’s Famous Foisting Place in Denver, site of the inaugural pro game in 2019.

“Of course, there were marches. Protesters screaming that it was sort of a sideways jab at schizophrenics, who’ve been throwing shit for, well, ever. But it changed the world,” said Tom Brady. “The world needed it.”

And of course, it changed irrevocably the lives of professional athletes worldwide, their families, the industry of hanger’s on who subsisted off that trillion dollar teat. NASCAR, the only “sport” which survived the foisting era, made concessions last year, ending the eviction of fans for foisting onto racecars from the grandstand.

“Go to the zoo,” said LeBron James. “It’s only, it’s getting back to our roots as a species. I don’t know. I think swallowing window sash weights is gotta be unhealthy, but no more so than doping. And I mean, to hell with it. I don’t need more money.”

There is no one to reach for further comment.