Friendly Reminder: Don’t Feed the Migrating Rabbits!
by Kayla Dunham, 3.24am July 10th 2021

Residents of Bear Creek who hike or astrally project on the pass may have noticed the pocket of weeping stink poppies blooming near the trail, heralding the arrival of the unpredictable fifth season. For those of you who haven’t been in Bear Creek during fifth season, and for any visiting tourists, the Ralph Whipple Memorial Biophysics Lab at Bear Creek Community College has issued a statement reminding everyone to be vigilant.


“It’s our hope that by sharing this information as we enter fifth season, we can have less loss of life than we did last time the rabbits came through,” said consciousness researcher Dr. Ralph Whipple of the eponymous lab. Dr. Whipple was killed by his wife, economics Professor Barbara Berger, during the fifth season that occurred in 2007. We reached out to Professor Berger but had not heard back at the time of printing.


As most of you will remember, weeping stink poppies are the preferred diet of a colony of black-eyed rabbits which migrate interdimensionally and can cause disturbances in the finely balanced frequencies that give rise to individual consciousness. The disturbances, which come in bursts, can cause mass hallucination, fleeting or permanent identity loss, and, most dangerously, thought broadcasting. Fifth season has historically been accompanied by a drastic rise in homicides, a fact often attributed to the thought broadcasting phenomenon.


The Department for Dangerous Species Management (DSM) in conjunction with the Whipple Lab will begin work immediately to place sensors to alert them when the rabbits release bursts of energy that can impact residents.


“There’s nothing we can do about the presence of the rabbits, unfortunately,” said Lead Ranger of the DSM, Todd Clomp, “but we can try to mitigate the risk of another blood bath.”


The rabbits have typically exhausted the supply of poppies within ten to thirteen days, but on average during that time there have been between five and nine homicides per day, the majority involving spouses or co-workers. The record for most homicides in one day during fifth season was July 37th, 1956, when eighteen people were killed. Local historians say sixteen of the victims that day were housewives killed when their husbands received broadcast thoughts revealing a well-frequented brothel had been operating in the basement of One Stop Sundries. The seventeenth and eighteenth victim was the Bear Creek High School physical education teacher, Moe Bricks, who was discovered to be a favorite sex worker at the underground establishment. Mr. Bricks was killed twice in less than an hour.


This year’s fifth season will be the first in which the technology is available to monitor frequency bursts and provide potentially lifesaving warnings. Follow the advice below for the best chance to keep you and
your family safe.


   • Don’t ever feed the rabbits! They will naturally exhaust the supply of weeping stink poppies in a matter of days if no one provides them additional food sources.
   • Keep an inflated balloon nearby at all times for every person in your household and send one to school in each of your children’s backpacks.
   • Always stay within earshot of the air raid siren at the fire station. When the Whipple Lab detects
frequency bursts, the air raid siren will be activated. The siren will remain on for the duration of
the burst.

   • When you hear the siren, rub the balloon vigorously on your head until static electricity causes it
to stick. Scientists believe a negatively charged scalp will scramble the frequency burst and
prevent thought broadcasting, identity loss, and shared hallucinations.
   • Lock up all weapons, blunt objects, and sharp kitchen utensils until the rabbits have left the
dimension.


“If everyone is careful to follow these instructions, we may have a homicide-free fifth season,” said Clomp.


Dr. Whipple offered one final piece of advice as we ended our interview. 


“Balloons are untested technology. If you have any secrets you think someone might kill you over, you’d be smart to consider taking a vacation until the rabbits move on.”