Uncured, All-Beef Bear Creek Weatherman Here to Tell You... Flushable Wipes Clog Pipes
by Michael Hammerle, 3.24am July 10th 2021

The times can be forecast by the hotdogs. Sometimes, for months at a time, its crisp, skinnier, "beef hotdogs". Then the shape, and the package vacuum, is loose. Rushed hotdogs (are always) proceeded by groundbeef portions that are bloody: all say the products were rushed.

Tip of the year: toilet paper shortages always come after the rushed hot dog.

Next it's ligaments in the chicken and bloody, tough cuts of steak. No one likes when a culture of already-rushed meat production is rushed further. (The product quality indicates how the US critical mass for large-scale productions really are and the straddling is only relieved by salt water injections.) Maybe this is what it takes to sway homes to have meatless-dinner night. I digress beyond my paygrade as a state-of-the-meat forecaster. Let's get to the latest forecast...

Forecast: Quick, get some toilet paper. (And look out for jipped plys and the occasional Publix-house-product-isle fight.) Also, God might not have seen you take those baby wipes, but some parent is wiping their kid's butt with a wet paper towel because of you. 18+ years on this earth should make for a calloused-enough ass. I know, shit runs down hill, but think about the kids.

I have a feeling my dispatches are numbered.

–Uncured, All-Beef Bear Creek Weatherman