Formaldehyde_Angel
by Eric LaRocca, 3.24am Sept 10th 2021

[Editor’s Note: The following set of status updates from the account called “formaldehyde_angel” have been archived and under investigation by the Henley’s Edge Police Department following the demise of Mark Howell. His estranged partner, David Crane, is currently being processed. His arraignment will be held within the coming weeks. The purpose of publishing these status updates for the public to read is to better understand the unusual circumstances surrounding Mr. Howell’s unusual demise. The author of this edition would like to extend a heartfelt thanks to representatives of the Henley’s Edge Police Department for their amiableness and helpfulness when compiling these records. Although there has been a considerable amount of estimation and guesswork involved in Mr. Crane’s involvement in Mr. Howell’s death, this evidence of his final hours is enlightening and expertly illustrate the mental framework of both parties involved.]

                                                                                           18 February 2020

formaldehyde_angel: I often think of my autopsy and the kindness my embalmer might show me.
7:34 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I think of how it might feel—to be stretched out on a cold, metal slab like offal from murdered livestock.
7:38 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I can’t help but wonder if my mortician might worship me the way ancient Egyptians once revered their dead—to make little sacred offerings, to venerate the body I once possessed with kisses and prayers.
7:41 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: That’s something I would like to see.

7:42 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I’d like to watch them as they clean and tidy their instruments—tools that will soon become very familiar with me and all I had once been.
7:45 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: If you think about it, an embalmer knows us—our bodies—better than anyone who had known us when we were living.
7:48 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: To truly know someone is to know them in death—the intimacy of their body’s most precious secrets. I think of that quite often—how nobody seems to actually know me, the version of myself that I so desperately need to be known.
7:53 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I think there are always parts of us we urgently need others to know but don’t necessarily know how to convey those parts without frightening our loved ones.
7:55 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: They don’t know about this account or why I even created it in the first place.
7:59 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Maybe I don’t even really know why I created this account.
8:03 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I suppose it’s a way to feel a little less lonely. To reach out and see if there were others like me—others who fantasize of their death and what comes after for the human body.
8:10 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Some have made a business of death. Retweet if you agree.
8:13 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Bureaucracy is insidious and unfortunately finds its way into nearly every corner of human existence.
8:15 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Regardless, there must be someone who can appreciate the delicacy and the refinement of human expiration—the loveliness of actually dying.
8:19 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: There are artists, of course—people who are able to write sonnets, compose symphonies, paint murals.
8:28 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: But there are people who claim that they’ve never been endowed with artistic excellence.
8:36 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: That’s a grave mistake.
8:43 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Simply to die is to execute consummate artistic excellence.
8:50 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: There’s something quite remarkable about the human body and how it decomposes—how certain gasses are released, how rot and decay arrive like sparrows to a home nest.
8:56 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Death is a work of art and every piece—every decomposition, every deterioration—is remarkable in its own way.
9:01 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: That’s what I badly need—to suffer a remarkable death, to smear the world with a stain of who I once was.
9:05 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: There was a story I once read about a young woman from Latvia who was accidentally administered a dose of formaldehyde.
9:09 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: She lived for nine hours in utter agony before death finally claimed her.
9:14 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I wonder how it must have felt for her—the pain that she had to endure, the torment she suffered.
9:22 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: They say that when embalming fluid enters the system of a living thing it turns your blood to acid and it’s like your body consumes itself from the inside out.
9:29 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: It probably makes you wish you had suffered the way a cockroach does when it’s stung by a certain kind of wasp.
9:35 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I’ve heard stories about how a wasp will sting a cockroach, drag the roach back to its nest and deposit its larvae inside the still-living cockroach.
9:42 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Human beings do that, too.
9:44 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I’ve seen people trap others in relationships, make them bear their children, and then let them wither away and care for their young after they’re long gone.
9:51 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Humans are no better than insects.
9:57 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: There’s something atrocious about the way we treat living things, but suddenly we become quite tender and delicate when the matter concerns a dead body.
10:02 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: That’s why I’ve told David to come at a certain time tonight.
10:11 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: It will be over then, and he’ll be left with the remains of what I once was.
10:15 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: It’s not that I hate David. I don’t want you thinking that.
10:20 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I loved him.
10:23 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Still do love him, in fact.
10:24 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: But I know he’d be kinder to me if I were dead, if I were quiet and still like a roach lying dead inside a wasp’s nest.
10:27 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I’ve imagined how he might react when he finds me—when he realizes what I’ve done is quite irreversible and no amount of pining or bartering could bring me back.
10:33 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Men like to consume one another, especially queer men.
10:36 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: There’s something intoxicating about the thrill of bringing down someone you consider to be more dominant in every way.
10:39 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I think David only liked me because I was small, quiet, weak, and unassuming. He always preferred his men to be his inferior.
10:43 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Of course, I’m sure he loved me and cared for me as best as any man would for another man.
10:45 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: But there was always a suggestion of distrust between us, always a hint of malice whenever he came near—as if he were planning something, as if he were fully aware there was nothing I could do to stop him if he decided to hurt me.
10:52 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: That’s why I’ve decided to hurt myself first. I’m not waiting to be stung and then dragged back to his nest to suffer there in silence until eggs burst from the wellspring he had planted deep inside me.
10:57 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: David had every intention of hurting me in every way you can hurt a person.
10:59 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I’d be a fool for knowing the truth and letting him carry through with his plans.
11:01 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: That’s why I’ve just injected myself with formaldehyde.
11:08 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: It should be working any minute now.
11:11 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: My veins feel like they’re hardening like beeswax.
11:14 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I feel something heating inside me, like a welder’s glove were being shoved inside my entrails.
11:15 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: It hurts.
11:18 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I didn’t think it would hurt this much.
11:21 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I shouldn’t have done this.
11:25 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I’d take it back if I could.
11:27 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I never meant to do this.
11:29 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: It’s not what I wanted.
11:32 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

 

formaldehyde_angel: I’m scared.
11:34 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I’m scared.
11:40 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I’m scared.
11:45 p.m.—6 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: David here. Mark texted me the password for his account. His dying wishes were that I continue his story online. I don't understand it, but I will.
1:07 a.m.—7 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I just found him. In case you were wondering.
1:19 a.m.—7 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: He told me to do with him what I saw fit, as if I were a proper judge of what’s to be done when your boyfriend kills himself.
1:26 a.m.—7 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: It’s been three days since I first found him, and I’ve carried him to the bed where I’ve arranged a small nest of pillows.
3:36 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: He left me a note on the kitchen table.
3:43 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Used words like “despondent” and “irreversible” and “kindness.”
3:49 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I suppose he thought I’d treat him better when he was dead.
3:55 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: In some ways, I have.
4:02 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I’ve undressed him.
4:05 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Sat beside him.
4:06 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: Wondered why he did this in the first place.
4:10 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: It was always his way to be so luxurious about things. I’m not surprised he decided to kill himself in such an operatic way.
4:13 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: If I’m being perfectly honest, I much prefer him like this.
4:15 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: He doesn’t resist as much as he used to.
4:16 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: There are many things he wouldn’t do for me that he now does willingly.
4:18 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I think I’ll keep him for a while in the home we’ve made together.
4:27 p.m.—10 Oct 2019

formaldehyde_angel: I’d bury myself inside him if I could.
4:34 p.m.—10 Oct 2019