by John O'Donovan, 3.24am November 10th 2021
You know like when you're at the beach, or on a trip and you have to go? You don't want to go there, but when you gotta go, you gotta go, and if you're lucky there won't be piss all over the toilet seat. So you're sitting there reading the graffiti: For a good time, call Maria...Suck me good, like a bitch. And then, there's the sign: Do not flush sanitary napkins. “Who the fuck does that,” you wonder, but then you already know, if you are a female. Well, that's how Granny-rags was born. “Fuck that” muttered the lady, and off it went. But not too far...It got stuck in a corner, but the shit still flowed.
It happened again a few days later, another teenager, another flush and go. Only this time it was an aborted fetus, and not quite dead. They met up together there in the corner. Some kind of fatal attraction. They bonded...began to grow into one...into Granny-rags.
One day Granny-rags smelled something especially fresh and lovely coming down the pipe from above, but that's all she got was a smell. Curious, she peeked her head up out of the toilet for a look. There at the changing table was a young woman cooing at her baby as she cleaned the shit off it's bottom. Granny-rags never gave it a second thought, she slid out of the toilet like the blob of horror that she was and latched on to that baby and back down the toilet before one could say “Lickety-shit.”
The poor woman ran out screaming, “My baby, my baby, the monster took my baby.” They all thought someone abducted the baby, but there were no clues except some blood and shit on the floor leading to the toilet, and the toilet making a strange gurgling sound.
Granny-rags was good for about a month after that, until, like a junkie craving for a fix, she had to have some more human flesh and blood. In the dead of night when all was quiet, she could feel vibrations and she could smell different smells coming down the pipe. She could feel and smell the janitor, some old human up there humming and jabbering away.
She made her move. The door was closed, but not a problem. She flattened out and slithered under. She felt a tinge of regret after eating the old man in one gulp because she had gotten used to his lovely humming; something about 'up the muddy river' (she knew a thing or two about the muddy river, she was born in it) and he had a soul. She knew because she ate his soul too, a big beautiful soul, she could taste it, like a bowl of chicken noodle soup, not that she ever had any but she could imagine it. She ate it all up and it made her stronger.
Granny-rags was feeling real good. She decided it was time to head out, do some exploring. Out the back door she slithered and down a dark and dirty alley. Pieces of garbage stuck to her slime, plastic bags, plastic cups, plastic condoms...they all stuck to her slime. It made for good camouflage. She would appear as just another pile of trash to the unsuspecting passerby, like Homeless Joe and his sidekick Lame Larry. Neither one could pass without giving her a poke, might be something there they could use. “Look here Lame Larry, a condom. I can fuck you in the ass and have safe sex.” Granny-rags devoured Joe right there as he was trying on the condom. Lame Larry thinking, “Oh fuck me, what the fuck have I been drinking, as he hopped his way out of there all the way back to the liquor store.
Granny-rags got to like eating alcoholics as she felt a mellow, warm glow afterward, yet she was cautious not to overdo it as she worried about becoming an alcoholic herself. She might be a monster but she could still think of her health.
The nights grew long and dark and the days grew short and cold as the east wind blew in from the white mountain. Granny-rags laid low, hiding between two buildings. She would hibernate for the winter as a harmless heap of trash piled up in a corner by the wind. Now and then a hapless soul wandered by seeking shelter, woke her from her slumber. Granny-rags had a quick snack, and back to dreamland.
Spring came and roused her with light and warmth. She was ravenous hungry. Taking on new boldness, she rolled on out into public view. Still, she was just a pile of plastic trash. She became one with the plastic, rolling down back alleys. She watched for open windows to slip through. She would always find a baby or two, or an old man, or old woman sitting knitting or watching TV. Granny-rags wasn't choosey, she devoured them all with relish. She kept moving, not staying in any one place too long lest they get suspicious. But nobody seemed to notice. Why would they? There are millions of humans, they'll never miss a few.
Granny-rags made it through the long hot summer and when winter came she was big and fat and headed back to her same old hidey-hole. When spring came around and she woke up hungry again but more than that, she was ready for some fuk. She would find a mate, it was only a matter of time...if not, she would fuk herself. She could do it too, she knew she could. In fact, she may already be pregnant.
You better all watch out. They are coming...the plastic Granny-rags are coming in herds, they will be in your town soon.