Greenfingered Growths #3 with Murdoch Brimley (#1 // #2)
by James C. Holland, 3.24am July 10th 2021
Hello my green-fingered friends! I like to think of this column as a pleasant stroll down a garden path whilst chatting about soil, leaf, bee and bloom, but this week I must first address the disappearance of Mrs Wrought.
It’s all anyone would talk about at the barbecue I held for the Sheriff and friends (which inspired a couple of great gardening tips, as you’ll see later). People kept jokingly asking what I had done with her. At least I hope it was a joke! I was as surprised as everyone else to see the ‘For Sale’ sign outside her house. I called the realtors and was told she had “fled town”, that she had been sobbing hysterically, refused to speak and only communicated by scribbling on the notepad that was tied to her waist. Poor Mrs Wrought. If anyone knows where she is, please let me know and I will send flowers.
Anyway, I had a lovely time with my many neighbours who have not fled town. Not yet, anyway! Haha. The Sheriff and I kept our distance from the barbecue itself as, coincidentally, we share an allergy to naked flames, but we saw how much people enjoyed eating meat, imbibing alcohol and breathing smoke!
However, the morning after, I was left with several plastic bags full of aluminium beer cans and other detritus. My experience is entirely sustainable and organic. I had forgotten that some beings create such dangerous waste! Luckily, I have a couple of natural remedies. Firstly: the Lunar Lemon!
If you’ve ever visited the Moon, you’ll know it is not an easy place to grow fruit. (Not that I have been there myself! Haha.) So, I suspect the Lunar Lemon is named for its otherworldly appearance. It is a purplish yellowish blueish greenish orangish colour, depending what angle you look at it from, and produces a natural high. Best of all, it doesn’t need an artificial container! The lunar lemon pith, or husk, can survive in a vacuum, and yet is entirely biodegradable. You may drunkenly fling it into a bush without it breaking down into plastic microfilaments or poisoning the water table. Bliss!
So, if you, dear reader, are ready for a summer lovin’ good time, please now locate the complementary Lunar Lemon which is wrapped inside this issue of Bear Creek Gazette. I have one here and will record how to administer it, as follows:
1) Slice the lemon into four equal segments. (You can share it with three friends if you are feeling sociable!)
2) Sprinkle your lemon segment with sugar. (It has a slightly bitter taste. I like it but some prefer a sweeter Lunar Lemon.)
3) Place the segment in your mouth, like so, and grip it tightly between your mandibles or human teeth.
4) Now, just sit back and wait for that warm tipsy feeling! The experience lasts about eight hours. Oh, removing the lemon from your mouth prematurely can cause permanent damage to your brain. So don’t cough! Perhaps I should have started the instructions with this.
5) Keep it together. The Lunar Lemons do NOT cause hallucinations, so you needn’t worry about that. But they DO reveal the way the world really is, so you will see a multitude of watching eyes floating in the air around you. Humans can’t see them normally, but these watchers from other dimensions are everywhere on Earth, at all times. On the whole, they’re quite friendly and even goofy! As I look out the kitchen window, I can see one chasing a bee. How silly!
6) Don’t get paranoid. A few of the Disembodied Interdimensional Eyes, it has to be said, are visibly envious and wish to take over your planet, but I wouldn’t worry. How are they going to do that without physically being here? All they can do is gather information and, as we all know, information isn’t power. Especially when…
It’s the evening. You may have seen the black cars with tinted windows roar into my little nook of Bear Creek and heard shouting and banging. Well, it was the FBI who interrupted my train of thought, broke down the door and trampled my azaleas! The door I don’t mind but I am a bit annoyed about my plants. They are currently digging up the flower beds. Feds in the beds! Bless my beard!
Of course, they found nothing suspicious when they burst in, just me in my gardening overalls at the kitchen table with a lemon in my mouth and Mrs Brimley sat opposite with her feet in a large flowerpot.
Yes, she’s perfectly fine as I keep telling people. She hasn’t been able to leave the house as she has to keep her feet in a flowerpot full of Soil and Green. It’s good for her arthritic arches, though she’s a bit embarrassed about it. And she’s lost her voice so I had to do all the talking.
Luckily, I knew the FBI were coming so I’d put the kettle on whilst still in my trance state. You see, the visions of Disembodied Interdimensional Eyes are not restricted to the circumference of Bear Creek like the Eaves-Ear Fungus, which lets me listen to the gardening needs of all Bear Creek residents. If you know how to befriend the D.I.E.s, they can blink messages in morse code or even share visions of this, or other, dimensions.
So, I can now give you an update on Mrs Wrought. She’s fine. She has moved to Vulture Gulch where she feels she can be herself and talk to who she likes, including men in black suits. The flowers are on the way, Mrs Wrought!
Oh, the second idea for combating mankind’s pollution problem! There’s another type of fungus I’m working on… but I can’t talk about it now. Dealing with the FBI really cuts into your writing time! You’ll find out eventually. Read it here first!
Please contact Bear Creek Gazette if your complimentary Lunar Lemon is missing.