Greenfingered Growths #4 with Mrs. Elizabeth Brimley (#1 // #2 // #3)
by James C. Holland, 3.24am Sept 10th 2021

HELLO FRIENDS WITH FINGERS THAT ARE GREEN! It IS MRS BRIMLEY ELIZABETH (MRS)! MR BRIMLEY HAS TOLD YOU ABOUT ME. AND ME ABOUT YOU. HE SAYS YOU READ HIS COLUMN ON THE GARDEN. AND WE HAVE TO MAKE ONE EACH TIME TO APPEAR NORMAL. SO, HE IS BUSY BUT I AM HERE TO DO COLUMN. 
I DO NOT KNOW ABOUT PLANTING SO MUCH HAVING ONLY DONE IT ONCE AND NOT IN THE RIGHT WAY AROUND. But I KNOW ABOUT CAKES I REMEMBER AND COFFEE MORNINGS AND SAYING HELLO TO NEIGHBOUR. I think I am dead. 


THE CAKE IS THE PRODUCT OF LOVE. I HAVE SEEN ON TV HOW THE OLD LADY MAKES THE CAKES AND SEXUAL INNUENDOS AND THE YOUNG LADY MAKES THE CAKE AND SEXUAL INNUENDOS. I UNDERSTAND THE INNUENDOS BUT NOT SO MUCH THE SEX AS WE REPODUCE ASEXUALLY OR WITH HELP OF INSECTS. Did I die?


MR BRIMLEY IS AWAY POTTERING WITH HIS FUNGUS. ALWAYS THE FUNGUS. WHEN HE IS GOING TO COME HOME AND REPRODUCE ASEXUALLY THAT IS WHAT I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AS A HUMAN WOMAN THAT IS NORMAL. HAHA. SHOW US YOUR BEES!


you are not supposed to come back when you are dead


YOU NEED FLOWERS FOR THE CAKE I KNOW. MR MURDOCH BRIMLEY ASSIGGNED HUMAN MAN HAS PLENTY OF FLOWERS IN GARDEN. FLOWERS ARE ONLY TEMPORARY SO I DON’T MIND TAKING. I HAVE TAKEN AND HERE ADD TO BOWL AND STIR WITH ENORMOUS WOODEN SPOON WHICH IS A STICK WITH A BOWL ON END MADE FROM POOR DEAD TREE. 


i remember the void


I REMEMBER THE VOID. IT WAS EMPTY AND VAST. AIRLESS AND EARTHLESS BUT HAD RADIATION. A SEED PLANET FLOATING IN THAT. HOW COULD THAT BE. SUCH A DANGEROUS LONELY EXISTANCE. NO SUN OR WATER.


i remember the water/ floating in a warm sea/ sun through the waves/ a holiday? murdoch laughing as i splash


MURDOCH SAYS YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO COME BACK AFTER YOU ARE DEAD. COPY FIRST, KILL AFTERWARDS. WRONG WAY AROUND MAKES MIND COPY PLANTING SLOW AND DIFFICULT. VEGETABLE MIND WHILST PREVIOUS MEMORIES MIND SLOWLY RECREATED FROM. ANYWAY, THIS IS NOT MAKING CAKE. 


I HAVE GROUND FLOWERS INTO STICKY BRIGHT PURPLE PASTE. NOW ADD SUGAR. THERE IS NOT SUGAR HERE. SO I WENT TO BEES. MURDOCH SAYS TO STAY AWAY FROM BEES BUT I JUST WANTED TO GET A LITTLE HONEY! ADD HONEY TO MIXTURE AND STIR WITH POOR TREE SPOON.


i remember this spoon/ it was my mother’s / and the bowl/ it was from iris/ iris wrought! /she knows / the new murdoch keeps muttering about her


YOU NEED Eggs FOR CAKE. IT IS WEIRD TO ME THAT HUMANS WOULD EAT OTHER Animals BUT THAT IS WHAT WE DO ISN’T IT! SO/ I ADD HALF A POT OF FISH EGGS TO THE MIXTURE AND STIR FOR THE POOR TREE WHOSE PARENTS I HOPE ARE NOT READING THIS. 


what am I doing? This is disgusting/ You need chicken eggs, not caviar, you stupid


tHEN of course ALSO ADD three eggs FROM OUT OF Hens. mIX AND MATCH OF EGGS GIVES PUNGEANT EXOTIC TANG OF 


Iris! He was planning to replace half of humanity with plant people. He thinks it’s fair to replace half and preserve the other half / But now


IgNORE OTHER VoiCE


aND LASTLY ADD THE BUTTER. bUTTER IS SOMETHING CALLED Shea Butter I found IN BATHROOM. It was mine/ IWAS HERS. YOU CAN RUB IT ON YOUR SMOOTH HUMAN SKINS OR PUT IN CAKE. tHE OPTION IS YOURS


/but he’s changed his mind. He’s seen that humans are polluting the environment and damaging


IGNORE. gIVE IT one final whisk with your DEAD TRREE CREATURE TO bring all the ingredients together AND THEN BURN IN OVEN FOR A WHILE.


And he doesn’t TRUST US so he’s going to take CONTROL of the minds of the half of humanity that are left using


“Et voila!” aS THEY SAY IN ANOTHER SECTION OF PLANET. THAT IS CALLED FRENCH. I DID an evening class back in ‘87. MIXTURE HAS BECOME ONE. CAKE IS READY.


] Cake. IS READY


                VUGIUCUOVVIIIIiiiAM I DEAD?STFYUFYSTUFU


And the cake is ready. I’ll admit it’s quite an unusual flavour, but then it’s good to try new things and wouldn’t it be a boring column if I told you about the usual sort of cake that you make every time? Bless my ears!


I will be selling slices of this “exotic” cake with a cup of delicious coffee at the Coffee Morning next Thursday to raise money for the Bear Creek Charity for Homeless Cats and DOG CREATURES. Hopefully we will raise enough to get them new kennels anD CAT HUTCHES/// 


I think I will bake a selection of my famous Battenburg and Coffee cakes to go along with this more “exotic” or “experimental” one. So don’t be scared. Come on down!


IRIS HELPMEIRIS IRISHELPMEIRIS i IRIS HELPMEIRIS IRISHELP MEIRIS IRIS  HEL PM EI  R I S IR      IS H E L     PME   I RIS IRI  S  HELPMEI RIS IRISHALPEME IRIDSH HELPME HIAHRIESH HELP ME EHHILP ME IRIS


Note to editor.


Hello, Mr Buck. Please could you help tidy this up?  I have crossed out some bits that don’t make sense to me now I HAVE FINISHED MAKING IT/ I am new to all of this and don’t know if this is the right sort of thing. Murdoch will be back next week.

EDITOR’S NOTE:
No changes have been made to this week’s column as we are uncertain what it is meant to be. 


Please contact Bear Creek Gazette if you would like to purchase a slice of Mrs. Brimley’s “exotic” cake.


Murdoch Brimley is away.