Haugen’s Heroes: Boredom Unpunctuated
by War Correspondent (Unofficial) Sofia Haugen, 3.42am Sept 10th 2021
i woke up this morning (and by morning i mean like, 4PM) clutching an ar-15 to my chest like a lover. there were spent shell casings in my sheets and two new tattoos, one months old (a bear holding a bowie knife between its teeth on a green shield) & one still bloody (the name "amphitrite" in crude stick-and-poke letters, alongside yesterday's date). my roommate was nowhere to be found; his room was completely emptied of everything but a blow-up doll dressed as a dracula and a bulletin board covered in clippings of articles i do not remember writing. i have transcribed one of those articles and attached the file to this email. (& also a picture of the wikipedia infobox i mentioned in the article, sorry for the quality it was already illegible in the original if it helps.) i have a distinct feeling that i should be mourning someone very close to me so im going to go get as drunk as it is possible for a woman to get without actually dying, & since i have two livers that's really fucking drunk, so ive cc'd griffin on this email so she can also get yr response in case im blacked out or asleep or i just forget to check my email until next year. oh and uh if you want to stick this email in as an introduction to the article that would be excellent.
sports correspondent (unofficial) sofia haugen