Please Let My Dying Son Watch 'The Mandalorian' Early
by Matthew Pritt, 3.24am Sept 10th 2021
 

11/17/21

 

Dear Disney,

 

My eight-year-old son, Billy, was diagnosed with terminal testicular cancer (which I’m sure you can agree is probably the worst way to go). He is a huge Star Wars fan. He only has a few months to live, and his only wish is to be able to see the next season of The Mandalorian before he passes away. Please, if you can find it in your hearts to help a dying child, it would mean the world to him.

 

Thanks,

Geoff McNeill

Bear Creek Telecommunications

 

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11/19/21

 

Dear Disney,

 

I’m glad that you were touched by Billy’s story, however, I find your request to interview him to be rude. Billy is a sick boy and he needs his space. He’s immunocompromised, you know (because of the ball cancer), so it’s not a good idea for him to be meeting anybody. I would be happy to personally meet with anyone from Disney, especially the writer and director of The Mandalorian, Jon Favreau, and pass along any well-wishes (and season 3 of The Mandalorian) to Billy.

 

Thanks,

Geoff

 

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11/20/21

 

Dear Disney,

 

I resent the insinuation that Billy isn’t real, and I feel violated by you looking through my social media pages. I don’t talk about Billy on there. He’s a dying boy, and I’m not into sadness porn. As to why the father of an 8-year-old immunocompromised child would go out partying most nights, it’s because the situation is so stressful at home. I don’t feel the need to justify myself any further. You’re wasting Billy’s last moments on this earth. He could be watching The Mandalorian right now, but instead, he has to watch his father deal with judgment from the uncaring, black hearts of corporate America. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Send me the fucking show, you heartless assholes.

 

Thanks,

Geoff

 

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Dear Disney,

 

How dare you make inquiries with City Hall! Yes, there’s no record of a Billy McNeill, but that’s because he’s an undocumented immigrant that I adopted out of the kindness of my own heart, and here you are, a big xenophobic corporation trying to get a kid deported while his balls are literally eating his entire body. You all are really fucked now. Did you see that I work for Bear Creek Telecom? I can press a button and all Disney services will be banned in Bear Creek forever. Or better yet, maybe I’ll share my account password with everybody so they still see your shows but you don’t get any money! Ha! If you don’t send me Season 3 right now, you’re going to see how much you lose just because you don’t want to give a few episodes out early to a dying kid.

 

Thanks,

Geoff

 

 

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11/21/21

 

Dear Disney,

 

Please reactivate my account. How the fuck am I supposed to watch Star Wars now? Okay, yes, I admit it, Billy was never real and I was just trying to see The Mandalorian early. Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted? My ex-wife took my Blu-Ray Star Wars box set and my Disney+ subscription was the only thing keeping me sane. I’ll pay you double. Fuck, triple. Just, for the love of God, please let me back on. I’m sorry. You win.

 

Geoff