A Guide for Queer Visitors to Bear Creek

by Mark Ward, 3.24am March 10th 2021

In a misguided attempt to increase tourism (and as such, perhaps, easily missed tourists), the City Council have asked me to highlight places of interest to queer visitors. 

1. The Cabin​

Off Laurel, The Cabin is Bear Creek’s only gay bar. Founded in 1884 by Werther Reed, this has successfully operated without even the slightest opposition since the Doorman, an aspect of the building itself, can divine one’s sexuality, letting queer patrons into The Cabin, whilst directing straight patrons through a series of exercises and tests, which either results in them emerging confused - but otherwise safe and sound - from a cave on the far shores of Purdy Lake with a week having passed, or if they fail, not emerging at all. Tuesday is Karaoke Night. 

2. The Dunes

Head to where you think the ocean should be and you will find The Dunes. A place for cruising, each dune is equipped with themed bedrooms and shower facilities. Similar to The Cabin’s Doorman, heterosexual counterparts will see only mirages. The Dunes are supported by the Madrigal Coven, and are particularly popular in the summer. 

3. The Centre 

A place for Bear Creek’s queer community to come together, located downtown. It provides support groups, events and sexual health testing. Once a month, it widens to encompass the entire town, in an effort to increase visibility for younger queer folks. Whilst some citizens found this an inconvenience, they were placated when, after a local ordinance was passed, the night coincided with Movie Night, screening forgotten queer classics from the 2100’s. That, and everyone in the town got free cable as a result. 

4. The Bathhouse

For the sexually adventurous queer tourist, visit Bear Creek’s Bathhouse, off Route 2. Set out like a standard bathhouse with jacuzzis, saunas, steam rooms, play areas and private booths for people to come together, Bear Creek’s Bathhouse takes the boredom out of cruising by permitting movement between each section only by waterslide. Who knows where you’ll end up? Towels, when used, should be replaced for new ones at the earliest opportunity, before they start to fuse into one’s skin. Should this happen, you will banished to the Terrycloth Darkroom forever. 

5. The Little Theatre

Catering directly to a queer audience, The Little Theatre features new plays by local playwrights working off their sentence, classic musicals accompanied by subliminal messaging designed to get the audience more and more involved until they join in flawlessly on the fully-choreographed finale, and their bi-weekly drag show in which local wildlife dress up as men and women, mocking our ridiculous human foibles, all set to a sarcastic piano ballad. 

6. The Great OutDoors 

A monthly queer hiking group that organises treks through some of Bear Creek’s most beautiful trails, which is also a front for revenge. Run by the Blather brothers – John, Derek and Simon – hikers will have a perfectly normal hike, but elsewhere, their most hated ex will have a spectacularly bad day. This additional outcome is unavoidable, but might be worth it, given the stunning views you’ll see of Lemon Gulch and Barbara, the private white sand bay, which you would otherwise never see. They won’t be killed or anything, don’t worry. 

7. The Havilland

One of Bear Creek’s oldest hotels, a former Wild West saloon moved brick-by-brick to Bear Creek, The Havilland is the ultimate in kitsch. Featuring hunky waiters to suit all tastes, shapes and mythologies, as well as a never-ending Musical Revue, in which you are liable - if you visit more than once - to be embodied in song (warning: literally), the Havilland is the premiere (and only) hotel designed for queer visitors. Single rooms start at $55 dollars, with the most expensive – the Feudal Suite – being $150 per sleep. 

8. The Rest of Bear Creek

Given the nature of our town, we cannot recommend that you go wandering off (but if you do, please leave Next of Kin details with the receptionist at the Havilland), however, we have prepared some tips in case you do: 
- The Checkout Girls at Lloyd’s can only be paid in compliments
- Your charger will not work and no, we cannot help you with it 
- And maps are littered all around town but are entirely ornamental 

Thanks for reading our guide for Queer Visitors to Bear Creek. Should you heed all of this advice, you should be fine. Probably. 

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