Local Residents Dying to Play New 'Scratch Me' Game

by Matt Hiebert, 3.24am May 10th 2021

The new lottery scratch off game is now in convenience stores, and it’s a real stinker! 


Patrons of various Bear Creek establishments can now scratch their fingers to bloody nubbins trying to win one of several $100,000 prizes. Only this time, they’ll get a nose full for their effort. 


And maybe more.


“We’ve added something new this round,” said lottery representative, Lilith Grabbers. “All the tickets are scratch and sniff. Not only will players enjoy the aromas of myrrh, grapefruit, and new tires, they’ll be putting their lives at risk to do so!”


Unlike most scratch off games that offer prizes of cash, cars and luxury vacations, this year’s game has a flip side.
“At least ten of the tickets are embedded with ricin, a deadly nerve agent!” Grabbers explained. “One sniff of that and you’re dead as a doornail. That makes the stakes really interesting. I mean, could it be more exciting?!”
Printed with a picture of Satan pointing at himself with his thumb, the tickets are emblazed with the title “Scratch Me!” in a font of flaming letters.


“We’re not even trying to make money off this,” Grabbers said. “Out of the ten thousand printed tickets, there are actually twenty-three cash jackpot winners. That stacks the odds in the player’s favor and will encourage people to participate…”


With that, Grabbers laughs so hard spittle sprays across her desk. Then she composes herself and finishes her thought.


“But if you scratch off the other ‘jackpot’…you know…the ricin…Well, that’s all she wrote. But no worries! The taxes are all paid for! Ha, ha!”


Other prizes include a 1985 Yugo (engine not included), three trash bags of Beanie Babies once worth thousands of dollars, an NFT of Gary Busey skidding across asphalt, and a half-scale shit golem excreted by local artisan, Ruth Briggs.


“Ol’ Scratch finally gets his game,” Grabbers said with a wink. “Now we just need to see if anyone in Bear Creek has the balls to play it.”


In fact, they do. Local convenience stores have already struggled with overenthusiastic players who can’t wait to see if they’ve won or will die.


“I’ll sell you a ticket,” said Lester Berman, owner of the Gas and Pee store on East Prometheus Drive. “But do not scratch it in my store. If I even see a fingernail headed that direction, I will shoot you in the fucking face, I swear to God.”


At press time, there have been five $100,000 winners and two confirmed fatalities associated with the game. 


Final results of the “Scratch Me!” game are expected as early as tomorrow. If you have not heard from a loved one who has recently purchased a ticket, contact authorities. Do not enter any residence where a ticket may have been scratched.


Odds of winning a nonlethal prize are one in ten. Odds of dying while playing are 1 in 1000. 


Some people may die who were merely in the proximity of a lethal ticket being scratched.


“Funny it doesn’t work the same way with the cash,” Grabbers laughed.