Sifting Through my Junk Box
by Tim Frank, 3.49am March 10th 2022
Ike Adebor 17.30 On 3 Jan 2022
Subject: VERY URGENT
Hello dear friend, my name is Ike Adebor from Accra, Ghana, and before you discard this message into your esteemed recycle bin, please let me explain my situation.
By day my young daughter sells turkey necks and sunglasses to the rabble in the cruel heat of the local market, just to make ends meet. By night, however, she is a graffiti artist roaming the city, spraying bridges, bus stops and even police headquarters while the lazy policemen sleep. She’s utterly fearless and equally talented. But what she needs is an education in the west. Maybe a mentor who can nurture her to become the next African Banksy.
Please donate before she is tracked down by the corrupt authorities and punished for what she simply loves to do.
Kind regards and salutations
To: Ike Adebor 21.42pm
Subject: Re: VERY URGENT
Mr Adebor, thank you for your email. I’ve thought very carefully about how to respond. I could have dismissed you as a con artist and a fraud like all the rest, but your tale has touched me so I’m going to say this to you: dismiss all your overblown dreams of life in the west and give your daughter a better life in Ghana. You seem intelligent enough but please forget the arts, it can only lead nowhere. It is a tumour and I say kill it. Instead, make her study engineering, whether she likes it or not. It’s far more practical and less likely to get your daughter imprisoned!
So, no I won’t help you, I neither have the money or the inclination. Be satisfied with who and where you are and try not to reach for the stars. Lord knows that’s the motto I live by and it’s done me just fine.
Tiffany On 4 Jan 2022, at 1.05am
Subject: Seeking you
Hey babes Tiffany here laid-back chick with hot bod and a brain to boot lol you heard right hon I’m a bit different and I think you might be the one to keep up with me lol like I said I’m no ordinary gal I like bad jokes I dabble in the occult cos I’m a bit freaky lol and I’m learning to play the electric guitar I’m pretty active on all platforms so come find me plus I’ve got a flexible throat lol here’s one of my fave jokes
I can't believe I was arrested for impersonating a politician
I was just sitting there doing nothing
To: Tiffany 8.39am
Subject: Re: Seeking you
Tiffany, whoever you really are, you’re a real sad case. I’m only replying for a laugh and who knows, I might change your life with a few insightful comments. I’m sure you think you’re a bombshell with a winning personality. You might have read Chaucer once, or even made it past sixth grade. Maybe you can even tie your shoelaces while you whistle, but I dream of a political career and I need a partner who’s interested in more than satanic rituals, playing the pentatonic scale and SUCKING COCK. Need I say, your joke didn’t even make me smile.
Thanks, but no thanks
To: Tiffany 23.41pm
Subject: Re:Re: Seeking you
Tiff, it’s me again. I’m sorry. I’m a lousy bastard and I don’t deserve a goddess like you. I admit it, I’ve had one too many beers but for once I can see things clearly. The truth is I would be honoured for you to be my First Lady. I can just picture you in a power suit - what are your dimensions anyway? Plus, the electric guitar is a fine instrument and I lied, I did laugh at your joke, I love edgy stuff like that. Anyway, point is, I feel so close to you right now. I’m a lonely soul in search of love, just like you. Forgive me. Be mine.
Marjory Stevens On 5 Jan 2022, at 16.07pm
Charles it’s your mother again, please stop ignoring your father. Your silence is painful and his blood pressure is frightening. With his gout and shingles, it’s all too much. I don’t like the way he left either – taking the dog and running off with the Guatemalan acupuncturist. I know you said you loved her. I can’t comment on that.
It’s hard to forgive sometimes but you did break his racket ball trophy and rip up his prised first edition hardbacks. He just wants to walk a few laps around the park with you once a week, feed the birds maybe. We just worry, everyone knows how hard you’ve found it to adjust.
To: Marjory Stevens 20.23pm
Subject: Re: ???
I do NOT love Carolina, she’s a quack and she and dad can go to the park and talk about horoscopes and unicorns all day for all I care! He’s the one who made me like this - awkward and socially anxious - but I have great news, none of you have to worry about me anymore because I’ve found my dream girl. She’s smart, with a good sense of humour, and she’s a professional musician too. She’s called Tiffany and I think we’ll elope this summer, maybe honeymoon in Paris. We want a big family, after travelling the world first though. We might explore Africa, swing by Ghana because I have some contacts there, a great family who genuinely need me - they’ll show us the sights. Mum, everything is falling into place. In fact, I feel like I’ve just split the atom and I’m just so damn grateful!
I’m going offline for a while now; I just have so much I need to sort out in the real world. Don’t bother calling me either, but tell anyone who cares I’m going to be just fine.