Five Spanking* New European Holiday Attractions *does not involve spanking
by Kjetil Jansen, 3:49am July 10th 2022

Hello, Bear Creek! Greetings from your Best CityFriend Forever, the Scandinavian town of Isbjørnbekk. You don`t know me, but I am Isbjørnbekk`s current Cultural Attaché Curator.

Before I get ahead of myself, thank you for sending us your mayor. A taxidermistary triumph. While we ponder what to gift you back, I will be your humble guide, assigned by EHCTB (The European High Commission Tourist Board). Let me explain! During the pandemic, think tanks worked around the clock, and I am here to inform you about five amazing spanking new arrangements and events taking place in my part of the world.

Mind you, that pesky corona virus is still up and about and might get ready to strike back. Then, just stay your ground and tell any swab intruder where he can put it. You have rights. If that doesn`t help get, as your American saying goes, the hell out of Dodge before the shit hits the fan and ricochets and hits your horse.

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1. The Used Teabag Museum.

Where: Twat Modern, London.

When: All year, except on Bank Holidays, Poppy Day, and Guy Fawkes Night.

Admission Free.

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Four stories packed with the little beauties; the fragrances alone are worth the visit. From the early models made by a spinning jenny to the 3D printed bags of the future.

On display (from Sep 3): The world`s largest tea bag string yarn, made in Grimetwerp, Berkfordshire. This leviathan faces stiff competition from places like Pewbottle, Upper Gnarlflemster and Stoke-under-Trent, so no guarantees.

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2. Whale Watching and the Gentle Art of Harpooning Cruise.

Where: Tromsø, Norway.

When: All year.

250$ per person. Soup included.

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After two hours of cooing tail fins, you will certainly itch for some action! Don`t worry, the only legal prey is the minke whale, the least interesting of the species. According to other whales, they are clueless regarding Nietzsche, Kant, or even Hegel. All they gab about is: "Look! I can see the bottom!" Willy wasn`t a minke whale, was he? And why the name? They don`t have fur! Even Greta Thunberg isn`t interested, she has bigger mammals to fry.

Includes the option to operate local inventor Olaf Snorkfrøken`s prototype of a machine gun harpoon.

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3. The Running of the Bulls while throwing Tomatoes at other Runners in the Running of the Bulls.

Where: Pamplona, Spain.

When: Aug. 28/29.

The run is free, but we recommend a tour package at tombull.com.

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Yes, Pamplona and the Tomatina festival have joined forces at this weekend extravaganza, an abbreviated version of the regular Pamplona run, with even more bulls. Sounds hilarious. Check it out. Social distancing rules may apply.

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4. Fruits of the Sea Festival.

Where: The Greek islands of Lesbos, Samos, Kos, and many others.

When: Aug. 13 to Aug. 29.

A Festival Pass (price TBA) provides local ferry discounts.

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Gorge yourself on exquisite seafood and wine in this tribute to Greek god Dionysus. As with all current Mediterranean cuisine, you should never for a moment stop to think about the reason why fish are so plum and plentiful around these parts right now. Not even for a fraction of a second should you stop and think about it. The world is your oysters.

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5. The Grand Canyon Experience.

Where: Hambach, North Rhine-Westphalia, Germany.

When: Open all seasons.

With/without accommodations: Check website rwe.com. The view is free.

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1640 feet deep, the largest open-pit coal mine in Germany just keeps on giving. Take the guided tour on mule or by foot. Gasp at the colossal digging machines. As breathtaking as the real Grand Canyon, and you don`t have to worry about rattlers!

Countless villages have been destroyed to give way for this progress. Well, not countless. In just one single region, Lusatia, almost 140 are gone since serious excavation began. As the German saying goes: You can`t crack eggs without making a few omelets.

If you want to stay the night, the company RWE owns the very nearby village of Dunkelzimmer. They bought it pretending they were going to destroy it, then didn`t. Suckers!

Don`t miss this opportunity to support real, traditional energy excavated by real men using manly tools and not all your modern, sissy, vegan, hemp-hugging so-called alternative energy. Yes, this is a place where you risk running into Greta Thunberg.

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That`s it for now, Dear American Friends. Hope you found my tips useful. Looking forward to seeing you and cool beans to all mankind!