There will be a special meeting of the Town Council to discuss the excavation under the 300 year old Oak tree known as the 'devil's doorway'

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We are aware of the piles of teeth currently obstructing the entrance to North Street and have contacted the Giant Thumb of [REDACTED] in order to  ease the situation as fast as possible. We do not apologies for any delays.

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Reports of the Rat King being spotted in Bear Creek are false and furthermore constitute libel.

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There is no weather in Bear Creek

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Anyone found practicing Astrology will be burnt alive in the center of town.

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If you see the town duckling anywhere, do not approach her. She is very angry.

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Madame Nina is on her way.

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R.I.P Dawson Wohler and Cecilia Akko. Two dead in two days is a good number but let's try for a few more next month

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Glue is now forbidden

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The swan is back

Gary Busey's visit to the town butchery has been postponed indefinitely

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Miami MP3 picked up by Fox

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Reports of birds falling from the sky are true. They simply stopped working. We have contacted the town council for comment but our reporter was ignored, then consumed.

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The gluten-free bakery on Pillow Lane has been burgled. Robbers stole half a ton of Xantham Gum.

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Last months sudoku, which caused people to spontaneously combust upon completion, was haunted and should not have been printed.

The renovation of the leisure centre roof is now complete and the screaming has now stopped

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Someone is behind you right now

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An errant capybara has been seen entering and exiting the Dick's Sporting Goods outside of town. This is fine.

Personals

Dusty: Don’t worry, mein suesserliebling: if not found I’ll replace them. Jim.

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Roommate wanted. 2 bedroom bunker in historic Bear Creek. Shared bath, shared kitchen. Prefer vegetarian or vegan. Call Tanya.

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Found. Dogs. All colors/shapes. New daily. Whose dogs are these? Gary at 1245 Spruce.

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New in town. Looking for a hiking buddy to show me around the woods. I WON'T murder you. Darrin

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Same time, same place. L

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