Vote for Dog Vomit Slime Mold
by Rick Claypool, 3:49am July 10th 2022

The election is coming and there’s a dog vomit slime mold on the ballot.

 

You receive post cards and emails from the dog vomit slime mold.

 

You see the dog vomit slime mold on billboards.

 

All your neighbors display yard signs in their yards and the yard signs say: DOG VOMIT SLIME MOLD.

 

The life cycle of a dog vomit slime mold includes:

 

  1. Hatching from tiny orb-shaped spores;

  2. Growing into a pulsating yellow plasmodial slime;

  3. Forming crusty orange/yellow/pink structures that contain a mass of tiny spores;

  4. Running for higher elected office.

 

The dog vomit slime mold has a campaign headquarters and volunteers and a spokesperson.

 

The spokesperson says the dog vomit slime mold is just like regular Americans.

 

The talking points describing the ways the dog vomit slime mold is just like regular Amerians include:

 

  1. They prefer warm, moist conditions;

  2. They live on rotting stumps and mulch;

  3. They consume microbes, algae, and fungi;

  4. They sometimes grow so quickly they unintentionally emtomb the insects that come to feed on / lay their eggs inside of dog vomit slime molds.

 

“Unlike their opponents,” says a voice actor on a TV commercial the dog vomit slime mold’s campaign paid for, “The dog vomit slime mold is not an out-of-touch elite pandering radical fraud.”

 

A volunteer for the dog vomit slime mold campaign calls you on the phone. “What the dog vomit slime mold is trying to do would be impossible without your support,” the volunteer says. “The dog vomit slime mold thanks you for your support.”

 

The dog vomit slime mold can accept contributions to their campaign of up to $2,900 (per election cycle) per donor. The PAC supporting them can accept up to $5,000 (per election cycle) per donor. Contributions to their super PAC, with which legally they are not permitted to coordinate (but there are ways) are unlimited.

 

A profile in the local newspaper says the dog vomit slime mold emerged from humble beginnings. The dog vomit slime mold began as single-celled amoebae that hatched from spores. The dog vomit slime mold is grateful for the opportunities they have thanks to where they grew up.

 

The editorial page of the local paper endorses the dog vomit slime mold.

 

More talking points describing the ways the dog vomit slime mold is just like regular Amerians include:

 

  1. When they reach a certain stage of maturity their cell walls break down and what were once thousands of individual cells become one enormous cell with thousands of nuclei;

  2. They can merge their single enormous cell with the single enormous cells of other dog vomit slime molds they meet;

  3. They forage and grow as a single enormous cell until the nuclei collectively decide they are ready to begin their transformation into a mass of spores;

  4. They hide unseen in natural nooks and crannies until they’re ready to begin their transformation into a mass of spores and when they’re ready they blossom into pulsating blobs for all to see.

 

“Is there anything an American can do that is more patriotic than becoming a mass of spores?” says the dog vomit slime mold’s spokesperson on the news after a debate. (The spokesperson says it in a way that makes it obvious there’s nothing more patriotic an American can do.)

 

It comes as no surprise when one day there’s a knock on your door and when you open it there’s a canvasser with a clipboard who says, “Vote for dog vomit slime mold.”

 

It comes as no surprise when on Election Day you go to where you vote and you look at the ballot and the ballot says: DOG VOMIT SLIME MOLD.

 

It comes as no surprise that you vote for the dog vomit slime mold and so does everyone you know.

 

It comes as no surprise when the dog vomit slime mold declares victory.

 

“What a victory for regular Americans!” The dog vomit slime mold’s spokesperson declares. “What a victory for dog vomit slime molds like you!”