Whoops, I've Drugged Your Water Supply

by KKUURRTT, 3.24am May 10th 2021

Dear Citizens of Bear Creek,

First of all, don’t get angry with me. What was done was for your own benefit, but I can see how in this moment of my confession how you could possibly see otherwise.  

I’ve drugged your water supply. You’ve all been high for months. 

Mostly trace amounts of LSD and MDMA but also some of this black powder I got off my guy that said it was surefire to get people right out of their minds and off their rockers and lit up like the aurora borealis, so I said why not some of that too and just see what happens. I mean you only get away with a plot like this once, maybe twice in a lifetime, so why not take it for all its worth? 

I’ve been watching you. You’ve done good. Exactly as I’d hoped. Like, we’re doing it, mind control for the better like they did when they first introduced Fluoride. Crib from the best, that’s what I say. 

People dancing in the streets. Tips up 15%. Easily double or triple the amount of smiling faces than usual, less-so from mania and more from good old fashioned having a good time. Positive changes. 

Now’s the time where I tell you how I did it. Well, I mean, I broke into the treatment plant by the woods.

By night week after week for months at a time to be completely forthright in this letter to the editor or really wherever they see fit to print this (maybe the front page with the headline altered to be “MAN DRUGS WATER SUPPLY”) and shared the wealth. Pretty obvious, really. 

I can see how you might be disappointed in me, how you might get outraged and come to my house with your pitchforks and tiki torches and wake me up in the middle of the night to murder me where I stand.

 

And I guess my response to that, is yes, please. I pray for death. For the annihilation of thought. I self-medicate because I want nothing more to be put out of my misery.

But things were pretty good, weren’t they? Wild ride. Sure, you should probably start buying bottled water at the grocery or maybe boil off the drugs before you drink what comes out of your faucet. 


And that black stuff?  Turns out it was frog eggs and not drugs at all. My plug says that his girlfriend actually gave birth to a half-human half-frog baby and they had to burn their mutant baby down by the river. That was what all those horrible screams were by the way. In case you were wondering. I suggest that all fertile women go to the doctor and get things checked out before we’ve got a whole new race registering for kindergarten at Bear Creek Elementary in 5 or 6 years. I’ve read enough thinly-veiled-racist literature to know they will most definitely turn on us when they’re fully grown. 

Hell, I don’t know much. I’m just the guy who drugged your water supply. Maybe your frog babies will prosper and love you unconditionally. I don’t know -- I’m single and haven’t felt love since my own childhood. I guess, what I’m saying is: if you’re stewing at the mere suggestion that I’m the reason why you’ve been seeing more colors and feeling more feelings? Please accept this apology.  

Thank you. I’m sorry. You’re welcome.